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22.10.2006
Eleven Minutes
I've been thinking about the book “Eleven Minutes” a lot lately. It took me five days to finish it and in between these five days I had time to ruminate.
Day One - not too bad
Day Two - I liked it
Day Three - not so sure
Day Four – getting irritated
Day Five - finally finished it and I didn’t believe in it
Just like a simple curve, my appreciation for this book went up steadily and then went down steadily. But why? You once told me you liked it and you thought I would too. So what made me liking it at first, then hating it in the end?And here is the truth. The truth is, I don't like the fairy tale.
In fact, I don't believe in fairy tales. I tend to believe that life is dark and intimidating. Pessimistic me just doesn’t believe that life can be so simple without any complication.
And I don’t believe that love is the only salvation.
It just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s just all too easy.
It shouldn’t be that easy, I think. It should be harder for her. It should be harder for him. They should have come across all the inconceivable difficulties, they should have battled all the indescribable humiliation, they should have…they should have… suffered. Because love should not come easily.
Can you believe it? After almost three years I wrote “The language of love” for you, I still believe that, without obstacles, love does not exist.
But it does, does it?
Like you and me.
I started to see the underlying reason that made me feeling uncomfortable liking it. Because somehow I saw my story in hers, and hers in mine.
She lost her belief in love. Love to her, is a painful thing that only wounds her with unbearable heartbreaking aches.
The only way to avoid it is to block it. Yes. To block it. Entirely.
To run when you see it coming near you.
You push it. You snub it. If necessary you humiliate it with contempt.
You don’t need love because it only gives you pain. And you can’t control pain.You can, however, control yourself by not falling in love again.
And therefore when you first came into my life all I wanted to do was to block you. I wanted to be in love with you but my subconscious told me that it would come to an end dreadfully soon.
So I built this massive wall. The more I fell for you, the more bricks I laid. This wall grew higher. And I concealed myself behind it.
Do you see the similarity here? In this book, she ran away. Although she knew the man she fell in love with would cherish her, nurture her, cultivate their love and encourage it to grow further and further. She still ran away. And he came to get her.
I ran away too. And you, you never let me go.
11:28 Posted in 讀書會 BOOKS | Permalink | Comments (10) | Email this | Tags: Books, life, love, dairy
Comments
Hey nice blog...would please take a look at mine?
Posted by: youssef | 22.10.2006
Wow - what an intense post, my dear... is life really so bad, so dark, so intimidating? Or is that the sort of life that you are looking for yourself?
The pain of love, and not being able to control it, is part of the underlying appeal - after all, what would love be like, some saccharine sweet imitation, if there was no pain? No trial?
Bittersweet... it is what it is. And it is better for it.
Posted by: -- | 22.10.2006
Few years ago I wrote these words:
"My understanding of love has always been something very devastatingly distinct. Love should be dramatic. Love should be explosive. Love should be a mixture of painfulness and pleasure. Love should be blind. Love should be irrational. Love should be able to take you to hell and heaven in the same moment of time.
Love to me, is something really heavy, something that is so unbearable but also vital. And through that I feel alive. I feel as if I have really lived the most. I am not just someone who happened to be in this world doing something meaningless. I will be able to say to myself, before I leave this world, “I have lived because I have loved”."
But now I've learnt, when the pain heals all one can feel is just a sting.
Posted by: Celine | 22.10.2006
If all you feel is the sting, perhaps you've never felt love... the type that consumes you, that changes everything... love should be a poison, corrupting you, sinking deep into your soul, until everything has changed... for myself, I feel the poison... reminding me of wonton salads, and aqua con gas... sweet poison, that I would drink of again and again... for it is through the poison that I live... that I am whole...
Posted by: Androgyne | 22.10.2006
You are a poet, Androgyne.
Posted by: Celine | 22.10.2006
Hey, you don't named your blog, Always in Love, for nothing. You've chosen the kind of life you want it to be. Haven't you?
mijenilec
Posted by: mijenilec | 22.10.2006
Yes but we can choose different types of love to be in, can't we?
A breezy, comfortable, soothing type of love.
No more pain.
Posted by: Celine | 23.10.2006
Without pain how do we know when we are truly'alive'? Pain makes us stronger, wiser...,no?
To live life with passion, is to know pain.
Posted by: Anonimo | 23.10.2006
I agree that pain dose make us stronger and wiser. Because through knowing the pain we also learn to avoid the pain. Pain is supposed to be a tool for us to learn from mistake, not to repeat the mistake, no?
Posted by: Celine | 24.10.2006
agree, love is poisonous honey, it etches into your bones and soul, till everything gets unbearably light, that you wouldn't care to give up, including life, with or sometimes without pain.
so those who loved and alive are just painless zombie, to be revived by another cycle of painful love.
Posted by: hao | 28.10.2007